I know...

    I know I have been away. I had to stop writing here because Mommie always said; "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything." If Mommie asked me to paint the sky purple I would start looking for ladders, duct tape and a paint brush - or maybe a power sprayer, make the job faster.
     Through these days of silence I have searched my soul, my heart, my head-I have examined and reexamined all events from the past 4 years. I have had many conversations with God. I have expelled many shards of glass.
     I was deep in depression. I didn't know. After my "industrial work accident" everything changed. And I do mean everything. There I stood on top of the world, deeply in love with Liz, completely enthralled with my Em. The depth of colors, the shades of beauty, the loyalty of my friends - Donald, Michelle, Aaron, Jessie, Trish, Diego, Sandy- Then I go to Weemes.  I am surrounded by an amazingly gifted, dedicated, and professional group of teachers you could ever find.
     I was on top of the mountain - the view took my breath away. At night when I would talk to God I thanked him for all life's challenges - this reward - the life we built was love, laughter, loyalty, honesty - My life, a helium filled balloon then POP! The descent started and I did not even know it. I was falling into a depression so consuming it turned my insides into glass.
     Do you know how many screw ups happened regarding my "industrial work accident?" How many people dropped the ball? How hard it is to fight LAUSD? If the "SYSTEM" worked times may have turned different. We will never know. I will never know. Taken from me the love of my life, my daughter, my sister, my calling, my dignity, my self-respect, my strength.
     When I came to Malone that summer I had my first schism. I was not taking pain medication then. Everything went to pieces - shards of glass all around me. No one could help me. I could not help myself. Having that reality is a big chunk of glass! Me, Lisa C. Stewart - man God has been throwing me change ups from the moment I was born. I handled it.
     When I could muster some strength I found; "Just Another Brick in The Wall." Just another barricade. I wasn't alone. Everyone was helping, but I think I was already gone. I was gone. To survive my inside turned to glass. My outside didn't move. I failed.
      Self Pity party of 1? Nope! Regrets, so many regrets. When I returned to CA in summer '09 I was going to tell Liz how much I loved her, Em, us - our family. That I would not leave them again. I was going to fix my family. It was too late-before I could tell her my revelations she told me we were done. I should have said no. I should have fought more, proven myself, I should have written her name with the night star.  It was gone. My fight, used up by LAUSD and SEDGEWICK.  It is not an excuse. I would give anything to go back to that life. It is gone. I have to let it go - I don't know how.
      My health heading South, shingles - then that pituitary fiasco. Life has taken so much. I no longer want life.
     I talk with God. I sit in silence praying for just a word, a small clue, something tangible I can look up the road and see. Something I can achieve. He keeps me here because my work is not finished. His plan for me not complete. I beg for an answer. I listen, listen, listen. I wait. God does not want to share with me right now. I disappointed him when my harms hung limp from fighting for so long.
     I count my blessings. I have many. I am grateful for all of you who stand with me. I truly don't know what my purpose is and God is not talking.
     Reckon I have to keep praying, keep talking, keep working - I fell a long way down. Climbing this mountain the first time I could see what waited for me there. This time I see nothing but blue sky with cotton candy clouds. What's a girl to do?