It has been a while

Indeed it has been sometime since I have written. A lot has happened. I spent the month of February in the hospital. Had surgery to remove a "weeping" cyst from my pituitary gland. I don't know why the cyst was weeping - it sure caused a lot of tears for other folk. When they dig around your brain, well, I would not recommend it. I am on the road to recovery. This road is longer than I expected. Elizabeth Taylor died today - she was on the 8th floor I was on the 4th floor and the 6th floor. I was going to be moved to the 8th floor but something happened and I ended up on the 3rd floor, finally I cam home. I didn't think I was going to leave that hospital alive. It was a difficult time. While the doctor insists I was depressed, I wasn't. I was frustrated and angry - I was out of patience. I have been home now almost 4 weeks. Some days I feel good. Some days I feel really lousy. I take each as it comes trying to do the best with it. Now, I can admit to being in a funk. Between this situation and the situation with my leg, my life is under the control of doctors or lawyers and when I should take which pill. I can't drive. I have a difficult time walking any distance or staying focused for any length of time - this is frustrating. I can't really make plans for the future because I don't know when I will have my independence and control over my life. I don't like that. It may be true when I had control I did not make all the right decisions but at least I owned them. As there is a silver lining to every cloud - while I was sick - the support I received from so many people humbled me. Aldona Mae flew from Dallas, she came to the hospital and did not leave until I did. Night after night she slept on that cot, and she watched me, she kept the doctors and nurses on their toes. Liz was there every moment she could be. She brought me little treats, or just sat and watched me sleep. And when I came home she had the bathroom fixed so I could sit in the shower, my bed downstairs so I could be a part of daily life, she has driven me everywhere, rearranged her schedule for my benefit.  Eileen flew from Burlington, after three attempts and took care of me the first few weeks I was home. Flew across the country and made BLT sandwiches. Lynn has handled paperwork for my leave of absence and driven me to the doctors office - so many of you have sent cards or messages on FB. In light of such love I cannot remain in a funk. Sometimes I just have to realize that I have to let go of what is not in my control - not such an easy thing but doable. I can do it. I see so much possibility for the future. I want to begin today. Except I can't. That stinks, but I can deal with it.  When I have to allow my body to rest, well I just have to do that. Sometimes I have to push myself, sometimes I have to let it go. Then there is the wanting of it all to go away and the knowing that is not going to happen. Finding a place in the middle that I can live in. Here it is the end of March. My hopes of having a great school year gone. I so wanted to make up for all the time I missed last school year and now I am missing more time. My poor students. Then I think of so many people in Japan, and the bombing in Libya - why are we always sticking our noses in other people's business. Save the bombs and send the money to help the victims of that devastating earthquake. Didn't enough people lose their lives in the tsunami? Do we really need to kill more people? What is the purpose? I don't understand. Watching the news is an exercise in frustration. We move on though. We move on and we do the best we can. Winter is almost over for my Eastern friends. That first robin will soon be spotted and the world will become bright with sunlight. That spring fever will set in - the days when you want to sit by the river or just be outside - going to work or school seems like cruel and unusual punishment. They should have a spring fever day. Just one day you can call in with spring fever - then do whatever you want to, outside in the sunshine and warmth. Spring brings rebirth and renewal - I think it will do the same for me. Though her in SoCal it is not so dramatic we do have a spring (except right now we are having a late winter) This spring is going to bring forth a renewal for me. Issues are going to be resolved and I am going to continue on this recovery road. No, the Mets are not going to be any good this year - but baseball is baseball - and who knows? Miracles happen right? Whatever the case I will prevail. Like Karma from his cocoon I will emerge, and I will find my wings and then fly. What I once thought was an end is a beginning. I only need remember how much I am loved and how much so many sacrificed to help me, how much people have prayed for me, and kept good thoughts for me - where there is love anything is possible. Though I may be in this funk, it is only temporary. Onward I will go and through the darkness I will emerge. When one is so blessed it is just wrong to feel in a funk. I should just slap myself -