Chasing Daylight

     Yes, chasing daylight is what Zuko and I did getting back to LA.  Zuko was not feeling well - all I knew was I had to get him back to LA.  So, up at 2:00 am, on the road by 3:00 - heading West.  Watching the sunrise in my rearview mirror while that Harvest Moon lit the road in front of me. 
     Somewhere in Kansas it occurred to me...chasing daylight is a thread noticeable throughout my life.  During night, in darkness - bad things happen most.  People are bold when they are hidden in shadows.  People are brave when they believe no one is watching.  Roaches come out in darkness.  Light of day tempers cowardice.  Does not eliminate it. 
      It is thus I have chased daylight.  Watching and wanting the sun to rise.  Believing I was safer by dawn's early light.  Still my favorite time of day is sunset.  Part of my attraction to this left coast was watching sunsets on the Pacific.  And when I was such a basket case, I was frozen with fear until darkness. 
     Ok, I will admit to my dichotomous personality.  You have to give me a break on that one.  Who amongst is always one way, and only one way.  (remembering of course that always and never do not exist on a time/space continuum.) 
     Blocking out every physical or emotional need of my own, I had to get Zuko back to LA.  It is true that whole mother lifting a car off of her child - and I am adept at blocking.  (I think mental health folks refer to it as disassociating) Matters not what you want to call it - LOVE gives us powers beyond comprehension. 
     Along our route, after listening to every song about 10 times more than I could stand.  I went into my "zone." A place which allows me to function without food, water, bathroom breaks, no pain, no thought, no nothing - my entire focus was on 6 feet of white line, then 6 feet of white line, then six feet of white line...
      There, in that space of a pickup cab; from town to town, taking back roads because I could not handle the intensity of interstate driving.  Moving West/South West as safely and quickly as I possibly could I was chasing daylight so I could catch a sunset...in turning off all connections - emotional, physical - having only one purpose - In Kansas, with Dorothy, Tinman, Scarecrow, and the Lion - Well, I knew I could not go home again.  Home was a place I had built with Liz and Emily. Home was friends who became family, who had moved forward as life dictated, and I, I had to find a way to do that. 
      Starting over at 51.  Still knowing and feeling so blessed and loved.  Still feeling unworthy and guilty.  Somewhere along that stretch of small towns the world had all but forgotten.  Boarded up Main Streets, shut down restaurants and cafes; Irony of it all not lost - I could still smile.  I would feel again. 
      I will, I will, I will...through tears I could not stop; I repeated those two words - I will, I will, I will.  How easy it had become to masticate on the minutia (excellent alliteration!) Nope, was not an answer I found.  It was a desire.  My desire, me, this person who has always tried my best - not perfect, not without flaws - yet, a person who has picked up and moved forward. A person who has survived unthinkable acts of cruelty, neglect, abuse - a person who has known deep love, incredible passion, simple joys - we are all me.  I am just like everyone else. 
     I can see work I need to do.  Forgiveness I need to give.  Kindness I am most grateful for.  With all of life I am loved and worthy of being loved.  When I have failed, it was not for wanting to be better.  Sometimes, even our best just is not good enough.  That measuring stick does not belong to me.  In my soul, in my truth - with regrets and with hopes, what I can do is tighten up my laces, pick up my head, and keep watching those six feet of white line. 
     I will keep chasing daylight just for a glimpse of a sunset over the Pacific.  I will continue searching for a better me.  In my darkest hour I will hold that thread of hope.  Though thinking of it, quite honestly is exhausting, I don't know how to give up.  I don't know how to burn bridges or shut doors.  I only know how to keep going.  To continue to do my best.  To pray my best is good enough.  To give thanks for those who humble me with their love and kindness.
      Maybe I will watch The Wizard of Oz.  I have not seen that movie.  Though I know the Lion needed courage, the Scarecrow needed a backbone, and the Tinman needed oil, at least I think that is it.  And Dorothy, she needed to go home.  Reckon, home exists inside of us.  Home is with those who love us.  Perhaps I have only more questions; long stretches of quiet road can illicit questions.  Perhaps a long stretch of sitting still will bring forth some answers.  That would be really cool. Or maybe catching a glimpse of a sun setting over the Pacific - Here's Hoping!