Dying

From the moment we are born we have the same destination - death. What separates individuals is what they do between the hours of birth and death. My mother died a few minutes after I was born. In some way that has given me a first hand feel for the shortness and preciousness of the time in between. The first 24 years of my life I lived in tribute to my biological mother. In some way I wanted to live a good life and be a good person. When I turned 25 I figured I had paid my repsects to my biological mother and I could now begin to live for myself. The problem with this was that the man I loved as my father died when I was 17. My grandfather died when I was16. My Great-Gram died when I was 14. When I was 9 Grandma Labrake and my cousin Lee died. When I was just a 1 year oldI had a tumor which brought me to the edge of death. It is fair to say, at least in my opinion, I have known death. And in my experience death sucks! Not any newsflash - there has also been a gift in the suckiness that is death. At a very young age I knew to enjoy the minutes in between. I was cursed with loss and blessed with insight. Would I trade one for the other, certainly. It would be cool to know who I might have become had my biological mother lived. The thought of not knowing my other mother - my mother of love, that saddens me - we were so close. But I figure you don't miss what you never had. That isn't really true either. I missed my biological mother even though I never knew her. There is a loss in that.
So, we are all dying and we need to spend more time enjoying the moments in between. You know, really stop and smell the roses and not sweat the little things.
I find myself on Monday mornings, counting time until it will be Friday again. Then I remind myself that is a waste and I should be happy it is 6:00 am and I am on my way to teach students. And mostly I am happy that I work with children, I love teaching. I wanted to be a teacher for a long time - I went to college to be a teacher - I am a good teacher. There is a moment when the "light bulb" goes on for a student and it feels darn good to have been a part of that. As much as I genuinely enjoy how I earn my living I'd just a soon stay home and putter all day. I could putter and putter and play golf with a putter and be a happy woman - I am tired of working. That is the plain truth.
My point, yes, I have a point - we should enjoy the moments on the freeway at 6:00 am even in the pouring rain on a Monday morning. So, today I spent enjoying my students when they said they did not want to do their math, and when they would not line up quietly I just smiled and said "OK, we can wait.!" This is the day I live for the moment even more than I have before because I have less than 20 years and I cannot allow myself to spend one more minute with worry that won't change a thing and fear that won't stop the inevitable and crying that won't water flowers. None of that will pay the bills but I will.