Most of you who read my blog know my mother died minutes after I was born. In that context, I understood the value of life much earlier than I should have had to. And that is that - However, given my beginning I felt a debt to my biological Mother; I felt I owed her the best life I could live. I held myself to some made up standards which I believed would make her proud and perhaps make up for my living and her dying. Of course rationally, I understand I am not to blame for her death - on the other hand if I had not been born then she might still be alive - my sister, Linda, may have grown up with her biological Mother, and my father would have had the love of his life; I think I like the movie "It's a Wonderful Life" so much because I would like to see what their lives had been like had Eva lived and I died - or if my life has been worthy of the cost. If Clarence could take me back and maybe something I did over the course of my life was worthy, was enough, that is an endless cycle - I know, I have been on this treadmill for a long time. There are peaks and valleys, same as everyone. We all have a story to tell and we all carry a cross. Often I say we are all moving our pile of rocks from the one side of the road to the other. Doing the best we can with the cards we have been dealt. When I was 9 I knew I was different. Not only because my mother died when I was born, a fact classmates often reminded me of, also because I knew I was a lesbian - I didn't have a word for it, I don't even know if I had a concept of what it was - I just knew I was different inside; at first I figured it was because I was a survivor of repeated sexual and emotional abuse - with a sprinkle of neglect thrown in just for fun - So the being different inside, I knew what it was but I didn't know what it was - I remember talking to God about it and asking him why? He answered me, I was 9, I did not understand his response; Like all of us the cycle of my life has been, well that a cycle - round and round and up and down - Christina Taylor Greene was born on September 11, 2001. In her 9 short years of life she formulated an idea, the idea that because she was born on such a tragic day, that she must live her life in service to her country. She was 9 years old and she wanted to visit a Congresswoman Giffords because, at 9 years of age she wanted to begin a life of service to her country, she wanted to make the world better than it was on the day of her birth - In an interview her mother gave to Anderson Cooper. Mrs. Greene said her daughter, Christina, a 9 year old girl, if she was alive she would not want people to be mad, she would want people to come together and find a way to make sure such a tragic thing never happened again. Christina Taylor Greene was 9 years old - and the ripple from the pebble of her life, that ripple must cross this sea of humanity - none of us can ever be as great as Christina Taylor Greene, she is someone we should aspire to be. I write tonight with many a tear coursing down my face - there are many reasons for this, some of which I will get into as time moves on. I write to understand - the written word has been my companion and often my therapy and often the only thing I could count on. One time someone asked me, given the challenges of my childhood, this woman asked me "Where did you learn love?' I did not understand the question mostly because I never thought of it before - Do we learn love? I thought love was innate, we were just born and we loved - then I thought of the many students I have encountered in my 27 years of teaching and realized there were so many students whom I taught, and they did not know love. They had not given love nor had they received love - Indeed, they had not learned love - I pondered and pondered, and I pondered - ruminated and masticated the thought over and over - Where did I learn love? Well, I was always loved. In fact every moment of my life has been filled with love - Though I lost my mother I did not lose love - I was loved by Mommie and Daddy Pat, Mr. and Mrs. Murphy were going to take me home, Little Gram and Aunt Norma were going to take me - People were lined up to bring me into their homes - Where did I learn love, my goodness how could I not? It surrounded me - and in my own poetic, romantic, imaginary mind I think it was because Eva loved me, she gave her life so I could live my life. It is with that I have tried to live, tried to be the best person I could be, tried to pay back, pay it forward - at times I strove for perfection and at times I was paralyzed with fear. I know I never reached my full potential, but I am not done yet - What I think, what I believe - there is no time to waste. There is no time to lament what we don't have or consider how we were shorted. We have been to the top of the mountain and the bottom of the valley - like I said, we all have a story to tell. I reckon we have to decide what that story is - Where did we learn love or where did we feel loss? If we could turn negative energy into positive energy shoot who knows what we might accomplish. Look, I'll tell you I have buried more family and friends than I think is really cool, and I ask God a lot about that, and when I get to heaven I am going to get some real answers from him - in the meantime I am going to celebrate every single moment - let go of regrets and anger and things which hold me back, people who hold me back, situations that hold me back - I won't jump out of an airplane unless the pilot is going first, I won't try escasty, I won't bungee jump - I think tomorrow I am going to drive 70 miles on the freeway with my window rolled down! Ha, there I go watch out! The first thing I have to let go of my debt - I have to say it is paid and I pray I am right. I pray I was the kind of person Eva would have been proud to call her daughter and I pray the life I led in some way, I don't know, in some way was close to helping her fulfill her life's dreams. This I have to let go of - it won't happen over night, but today I realize, no matter how perfect I strive to be, well there is no such thing - and I owe Eva my life, yet I have to start living my life for me. I hae to let go of that debt - I have to figure I paid that debt and I have to hope I did OK. I won't know until I get to heaven; I'll just have to go with my gut on this one - Pray for Christina Taylor Greene's family tonight; pray for her 11 year old brother because I reckon he is going to feel some debt he must pay in homage to his sister - pray he finds the strength to do that and pray he lets go of that debt way before he reaches 47. I am 47 right? I always forget how old I am, not because age matters, it is just a number, still I seriously forget how old I am.
Blessed my whole life, loved from the moment I was born, given so many gifts - and now I set down this brick - I know another will come along, but this rock I think I moved it across the road. At least I hope I did, I wouldn't want anyone to get in an accident because I left a rock in the middle of the road - maybe I better keep pushing it - just to be sure.
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