Black Heart?

Today I had conversations with three people I love & respect. My father has been ill. He had surgery on Wednesday. Cancer, again. He is of course upset. My father donated the sperm which created me - but fatherhood, you know being a Dad; that was not his thing. However, when I returned to Malone to care for Mommie I made it a priority to build a relationship with him. I prayed a lot! I found in forgiving him his failures I was freeing myself. So now we have a relationship. It is by no means a typical father/daughter relationship, but it is something. I do love him & I believe he loves me. His mother, my beloved Little Gram took every breath for her children & grandchildren & great grandchildren. She cared for her sister, mother, & husband until the day they went home. Why my father didn't inherit or learn the gift his children were, I don't know. I reckon my Grandfather was a tough dude. He never said much. When he spoke I attentively listened- he was a wise man. None of this is really my point - Rosie told me not to lose sleep over it; that isn't happening. Eileen said you can only turn the other cheek so many times...Poopy said it has nothing to do with me...see my father & I alone have wonderful conversations. He likes to tell stories about the family history. There are no more Stewart's,no boys to carry on the name. Since I will never marry the Stewart name ends with me. When I was born, had my father done the right thing he would have let us go live with Little Gram & Aunt Norma. That would have been the unselfish thing to do. They lived 6 hours away. He didn't want us that far away, though I don't know why - we only saw him a few minutes a week. And as it turned out Mommie, Daddy Pat, Scotty, Wanda, Rosie, Poopy, & Bug A Boo are the best family. If we had went to Addison, Eileen, my guardian angel - well we would have not met. Even still sending us to be with blood relatives would have been the right thing and it sure would have saved a lot of people a lot of heartbreak! My father remarried...I don't know how old I was 6 -7 I don't know. What I do know is his second wife hated me from the word go. Of the two of us, Linda and I, I was quiet, obedient, desperate to please - and I guess that made me a good target for a bully. Yet I wonder if some folks are just born with black hearts? Why would this woman hate me all these years - and she does! She tries to interfere anyway possible between my father and I. I feel bad when I'm in Malone cause I go to see my father, inevitably when I get back to Eileen's I am a crying little girl; then Eileen cries...then she gets angry for my whole turning the other cheek. Eileen has used 100 miles of duct tape putting me back together. And I try, Gaynell always answers the phone, I make conversation with her. Ask how she is feeling, inquire about her grandchildren. I bring her a gift when I go to the house. But when she looks at me - I can feel her hate. I don't even like the word hate, but she hates me. She never treated Linda and I the same. It was no picnic for either of us, but she was nicer to Linda. I guess, like I said, I was the easier target. I wouldn't speak up for myself. Though it's funny because I was always protecting Linda from the bullies on the bus or at school. Even that New Years Eve when I called Mommie and asked if we could come home, even that I was doing for Linda. And how come Linda's heart is so black. I have never met my niece or nephew. I'm their only Aunt, doesn't matter...oh, and the years I spent trying to be her sister. It was pointless, she doesn't hate me, but my existence bothers her. Poopy and I are two peas in a pod. Rosie and I love, understand and respect one another. Scotty, Wanda, Bug A Boo, Frank & Rick - I am just family, bloodline or name mean nothing. I am the only non-relative Eileen's children call "Aunt.". Mrs. Murphy signs, Mrs. Murphy, Mom. I have all of this love - then these two people who wish I would go away. Yes, I know focus on the love and forget the pinheads! I know, I know, I know! Really I know! Of course my father being sick, hearing the fear in his voice - this has stirred me all up. I offered to fly to Florida to help Gaynell take care of him, would of thought I was offering shit on a shingle, but not because of me, because of her. And I'm sick myself. Everyday is a struggle, but I would of went. Poopy was already looking for flights. See what I mean, Poopy would have gotten me to Flotida to be with my father because she loves me that much...but my father could not accept the gift because his wife has a black heart! That is some kind of jacked up! Why I cry, because I'm afraid my father will die, and his wife will not allow me a part in his send off to heaven. This is why I cry. I want to eulogize my father, you know why? Because I know him best! 48 years I have spent examining, probing, contemplating...48 years I have ached for him just one time to pick me first. I know my father. He does not have a black heart. Yes he sucked at being a Dad. Yes, he made mistakes, but his core is good. And I want to tell people that. And she is going to try to stop me - she will want her children to do everything. He is my father, Daddy Pat was my Daddy, my knight in shining armor. Larry is my father and I love him. If he should go before me I don't want to fight for the opportunity to give him one last gift - to stand before God, family, and friends and let them know my father was a good man and I love him.