Therapy

I think I was around 9 years old when I began writing my thoughts. Not coincedetally, this was also when I began to comprehend I was "different." Inside, how I felt, that was different - I did not have a word for it, nor any understanding of it - but I felt it. Many of these "journals" I have been able to hold on to.  When I go back to look at some of the things I wrote I laugh my butt off. When we are young everything is so serious. Always and Never cross our lips a hundred times - only with experience can we begin to comprehend few things are always or never. Writing has been a great source of comfort for me. It has helped me through many a difficult time. It has made me laugh. It has provided insight into many of the twists and turns of my life. Writing has been a means of expressing my feelings toward others, and hopefully, been a gift to others. It has not always been pretty and my grammar is poor.  I use a lot of - marks because I don't really know what punctuation mark should go where. And yes, writing is, for me a means of letting out feelings which scare me, or confuse me, or anger me. Through my 48 years & 18 days of life putting my thoughts and feelings on paper, well, it normally makes me feel better. Purging I reckon - put it down, get it out & its done.
Yes, I am going through a particularly difficult time right now.  4 years of a difficult time - ever since that child fell into my leg, it seems my life has just been a slippery slope in the wrong direction. Human as we all are I get frustrated and angry. As much as I would like to be a brave soldier and not complain - sometimes we all need to let it out. When I started writing this blog I did so for all the reasons I write, and I thought it would be cool to share some of my silly thoughts and foolish rants. And it has been. Even though a post from the other day upset folks it was a blessing - because it reminded me how much I am loved! Isn't it amazing? Losing my mother at birth and yet I have the most amazing family anyone could ever ask for? This is also my core truth - for every cross I bore I never carried it alone. Every single moment of my life, God has blessed me with people whom loved me without condition, expectation...just love! It is so humbling knowing how much I am loved - with my flaws, foibles, idiosyncricies - even these stupid red puffy cheecks, (goodness they bother me) I am loved.
Yes, right now is a difficult time for me. After 20 years I left CA. The person I was in love with fell out of love with me. My little girl Emily, she is growing up & I am not there. I came home because that is where you go when the chips are down and you need others to help you stand up - since I arrived, that is exactly what I have received - In Texas with my Poopy Sister & here in Malone. Yup I cry, and darn I hurt. It is not over though! I don't quit. Asking others for help is not my best skill, I am getting better. I know whomever I ask, they would drop everything and be right here for me. Isn't that amazing? It is, really, trust me...it is!
No, I can't always put on a smile and march on bravely. Right now, there is an ice pick piercing my right temple, forcing my right eye closed, and causing a pain like you wouldn't believe - I will go lie down now. When I wake the pain will be gone. I miss not being at the fair today. I love the fair. Pushed myself too much this week. Reckon I wanted one week of being "normal." I have to change my perception of normal. It is time for reflection, introspection, and a reality check - this is why I write. Please do not be alarmed. I share because I know the people who read what I write, all 4 of you, I know you care - writing helps me let things out or express feelings I can't speak. Fear not, this young broad, has a lot of living to do. Today I need to rest - but tomorrow is a new day, I will fill it with harness racing, hot sausage, fried dough, walk around ice cream sundaes, friends, laughter, maybe even a Tilt a Whirl ride. (maybe the spinning of the ride will balance the spinning in my head) Speaking of which I need to go put mine back on its pillow.
Peace out my Peeps - keep on keeping on, I will & so must you!
And would somebody have a strawberry daquiri for me? I love those drinks. Suppose I could get a virgin one. We use to order those at the Lakesider Restuarant when we ate there with Chickie - Now its a camp, Monettes bought it and made it a camp.