Funny How One Thing Leads to Another...

One of my duties here at Eileen's has been to watch over the "farm." One duckling went missing - one chipmunk found dead in the road - yesterday, I came upon the vegetable eating gopher, eating a cucumber. I startled him, he startled me - poor baby took off a running head first into this flimsy plastic fence; he broke his back - Frank, my hero came over, took the poor baby away so he could be put down. I cried and cried. Felt so darn awful; the tears shed for that poor gopher started a flood of emotions - led me to thinking about that song by the Indigo Girls; "We're better off for all that we let in." Then I began to think about this; are we better off for all that we let in? It is amazing how the human heart despite all evidence to the contrary is ever willing to be filled with the possibility of love lasting forever. Have you ever watched the movie Paradise Road? It is the true story of a group of European women held in a Japanese internment camp and how they overcame their circumstances - how they rose above the worst of the worst and became free even when imprisoned. After watching it most respond with the thought of how sad the movie is - for myself, I feel the moving is not about the sadness of the circumstances, rather it is about the power of the human spirit to overcome and prevail, even in the worst of conditions. Last week my Sonny Kitty died; not being home and hearing the news via text message really hurt me. Broke my heart knowing when I get home he won't be there to sleep on my feet or make bread in my hair or yell at me when he wants to go out on the patio - So the sadness created from that poor gopher brought tears for the loss of my Sonny Kitty, which brought tears about my father; I just don't understand why he doesn't love me - then those tears led to more emotions - I have lost so many people - from the day I was born when my mother died it feels I have been loving and losing and loving again - all of these emotions brought to mind the Indigo Girls song; are we better off for all that we let in? Is loving and losing better than not loving at all? For my life I can honestly say, despite all evidence to the contrary, I have kept my heart open. I have remained free from hate. I have lived with a purpose of having no regrets - let the people I love know I love them - we have no promise of tomorrow and I don't want to lose anyone I love living with a regret that they might not know I love them. It is so difficult sometimes isn't it? The idea of just closing up shop and not allowing yourself to feel love for anyone or anything has some appeal. I wonder if I could do it. See I just don't think it is in me. I possess a poet's heart, and you know poets tend to be overly emotional - being open to love is the crux of my existence; yesterday, I wanted no part of love - I wanted no part of feeling anything. Last night we had a pretty good thunder and lightning storm. Watching the lightning and listening to the thunder, Mother Nature is amazing - a good shower is God's way of cleansing the Earth. I needed that cleansing, needed to wash away the day - see, how God works? Amazing isn't it? Don't believe I could just shut off my heart. Though the idea of it has some appeal, the reality is I am so blessed. My friends and family are the best people and they give me so much. I am so blessed because in spite of the challenges life has brought me I have never walked alone. I am so blessed because though my biological father does not love me, Daddy Pat loved me - and though my biological mother died, Mommie loved me - I am blessed with a Poopy Sister who would do anything for me. I have friends I could call and they would drop everything to be with me. We know when we accept a pet into our home and our hearts, the time is going to come when they pass away. We also know that is going to hurt like heck; we do it anyway...the human spirit, the human heart - is has such capacity and is so resilient. Even knowing loss is probable we continue to seek and soak in all the love we can. In itself, human beings are remarkable - my life is ordinary, except for the people who have loved me and have allowed me the privilege of loving them. Today, I still feel sad for that gopher - I catch spiders and set them free outside, I step over ants, though the gopher was destroying the garden and ate 175 sunflowers...he deserved better than the fate he ended with. Frank, who saved me and gave that gopher a merciful ending also made me a lemon meringue pie - it took him three attempts, but he did it. He kept trying - because he loves me and wanted to give me a lemon meringue pie(my favorite). Last night Mrs. Murphy made chicken and biscuits for me - she makes them better than anyone - see, these are the little moments in life, the smallest of gifts which mean the absolute most. Poopycrying for the poor gopher - I am humbled by the bounty of my blessings, and I know I will continue to love, be open to love, and I know there are tears I will shed for having loved. Are we better off for all that we let in? Yes! Yes, because I have a Bug a Boo, and a Poopy Sister, and Jessica Roses' smile can melt my heart. Jacob is going to play in the 6 man golf tournament this weekend and I can't wait to watch him tee off! It is my belief we are united in heaven with all those we have said good-bye to - I believe Little Gram, Scotty, Mommie and Daddy Pat are watching over me; I believe in angels here on Earth - what would I ever do without Eileen or Poopy Sister? Even my Fuzzy Kitty, Sonny Kitty, Tigger Kitty, Queenie & Fluffy - the list goes on long...too long - which is the pain, However, I am still here on Earth and I have a lot of things to do...I have work left to finish - and none of this living will mean a hill of beans without the love which fills my heart - the love which holds the broken pieces of me together - the love which brings me peace and laughter - and sometimes the love which breaks my heart - funny how one thing leads to another, poor gopher was only looking to get some vegetables and I was just looking at the cucumbers - such little things can lead to such big things - I don't have any of it figured out, I do know I will remember the power of love and I will not let anyone take away from me my willingness to love - my father is losing out, that is his loss - for me, I will continue to let it all in because in doing so I am better off. Would rather love and never have to lose, life doesn't work that way - time will help heal - laughter is wonderful medicine - and the love which still fills me will lift my soul over this bump in the road...don't give up on love. No matter how many times your heart is broken, don't close up shop - as long as we have a breath we have this amazing gift of love and we can know its power and feel its presence and we are better off for loving and losing than for not loving at all -