I don't know how long I sat on that bed. Knees curled to my chest. Reminding myself to breathe. No one came or left. Or maybe they did - I don't remember. I was only a child, afraid. I was only an adult, lost. Shift change someone did come in and write on the white board. I dozed on and off. My body hurt. Covered in open wounds. My muscles ached. Expelling glass is painful. I did not want to think. I had to think.
Light began to show through the window. OK,morning - now I could leave. I didn't. The obedient child sat there waiting...what was I waiting for? I had been waiting a long time. Waiting for doctors, lawyers, evaluators, decision makers...waiting for everything to fall back into place. Waiting for my life puzzle pieces to reassemble themselves. When would it happen? Reckon getting on with living was what I had to do. Shoot, how would I do that?
Aldona came. I wasn't so sure. She brought me a card, Mt. Dew, and my morning meds. Poopy loves me. We went home. So I thought that was that. I knew I had to take back my life. How I had let it slip so far away...ya know, once one thread is pulled it all unravels - in a heart beat, an instant.
Four years ago after spending the summer with Eileen I returned to CA wanting to devote myself to Liz and Emily. Fix my family. I was too late. Liz could not tread the turbulent waters any longer. She had to save Emily and herself. It did not sink in. I kept thinking she would change her mind. I believed in our love so much. I would change. I could fix this. I was wrong. Day after day, as I waited for doctors, lawyers, evaluators, crooks, and thieves, to decide my fate - my love was leaving me. Each time I heard the garage door open and close another thread tore. I saw it, felt it, knew it - yet was helpless to stop it. Wanting to, wishing to - believing I could - I couldn't. My love was no longer wanted. Liz held on as long as she could.
It is a movie I watched. Those years, sitting in my room - I watched a movie. That was all I could do. All the wanting in the world made no difference to me. It mattered so much. I cried a river of tears. I could not lift a finger to change it. That is depression isn't it? When life becomes a movie you watch even though you don't like it - you just keep on watching. Didn't know then. I couldn't see. My body ached with pain. Every waking moment was pain and more pain. My head, my legs, my feet, my hands...it took all my focus to block out the pain. I was taking percocet. Much more than prescribed. I was taking prednisone as prescribed. I took valium, xanax, synthroid - pill after pill - one pill to counter act the other pill. Wake up at 4:00 am to take this pill on an empty stomach. Take this pill before 6:00 pm because you can't drive for 12 hours after taking it. Trying to get back to work. Waiting for WC to approve Dr. appointments. Waiting for lawyers to write long documents. They could have been in Latin, I could not understand them.
One day your standing on the top of a mountain. The sun is surrounded by cotton clouds and blue satin sheets. You hum when you walk. You skip when you walk. The real life "Modern Family." Friends, a home, a bright, beautiful daughter, a generous, kind partner - a family of choice rich in diversity, intelligence, humor. Standing on top of life's mountain whispering, then waiting for the echo. The road ahead was paved in gold. It was this way. Deeply in love, learning and feeling the joys of being a mother. Developing new friendships; deepening long standing friendships. It was everything I dreamed. Our place of peace!
There is no excuse, no reason, no rationalization. We do the best we can with the cards we are dealt. God has a higher plan. He doesn't do the work for you. You have to tend your garden.
Even after my leg injury, things were OK. For a while I think, maybe not - I don't know when I fell into that depression. If asked I denied it. I think I said the right things. I thought I was making the right moves. The movie started without my knowledge. Once it started I stopped. That is not what I wanted. It was not my choice - yet it was. Does that make any sense? It was a Fellini picture. Everything over sized. Talk about dust in the wind - wow! That is depression. That is what it was. It left me powerless.
Pride is a bad boy. Being too proud to ask for help. Too proud to admit there was a problem. I take care of other people. No one asked me to. My goodness, Liz was strong - hanging on for so long. My friends;how could they even stand to talk to me? Jeez I was a jerk. A proud fool losing everything. Seeing the water circle the drain - not even able to reach an inch - push the stopper.
Overcoming a lifetime of challenges made me proud. It should have humbled me. Who the hell did I think I was? Oh my God! How awful I was. Walking around as if...as if indeed I was something special, remarkable - I rode a high steed. What a jerk!
Seeing it now, seeing that person who became a still life - there is no excuse. I am so sorry. Physical pain is nothing compared to mental illness. You can't see it. I didn't feel it. I didn't know. Oh God I am sorry. In a room I sat waiting for someone else to fix my life - that is not what I wanted. I did not know, I did not know.
One day atop a mountain I stood. The next day I am somewhere in Texas existing in a flea bag motel. I didn't need to die, I was dead,gone and buried.
1/2 million and 20 pieces of glass expelled from my body. I watched and did nothing. I am so sorry.
Those dreams you sometimes have, when you are screaming but no sound comes out - or falling somehow knowing you have to wake up before you hit the ground or just sitting on a bed clutching your knees to your chest looking around at 1/2 million and 20 pieces of blood soaked glass, numb, helpless...waiting for tears that won't fall. It is too late for tears.
How long was that night? That night in a room, in a place, in a state? How long had I been sleeping? How much more could I take? It was a movie, a run away train, crash and burn. So afraid, afraid like I didn't know I could be afraid. Physical pain I can feel. This, this that shrouds me now...man I don't know. Perhaps a sign of hope - that room they put me in on that night it was under construction - so was I.
The sign outside that motel - When you reach the end of your rope, Jesus is there. I believe in signs. I know hope.
Two things I did not know - our insides are made of glass and how long one night can be. 1/2 million and 22 pieces of glass. With all that glass on the floor, it was going to hurt getting off that bed - I had to, my life needs repair. Shit, I have to fix it. I am so sorry.
My mouth was open. I was screaming. No sound came out. Depression vs. pride, no winner there. God I am so sorry. 1/2 million and 23 pieces of glass. I am so sorry. Please forgive me.
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