Knee Deep In A River

     It is a line from an old Kathy Matea Song - (Yes, I was Country when Country wasn't cool.) This is what I have done for the past 4 years. I have stood knee deep in a river, dying of thirst.
     You don't know it. You can feel it, I think. I don't know. After the foot surgery and my failed attempt to return to work I spent more time alone. More time resting and elevating. More time separating my mind from my body and myself from everything. It was during this time the orthopedic surgeon first prescribed Vicodin. Plagued, every waking moment with pain - unable to sleep because of pain - cracking under the weight, dying from thirst. Piece by piece I moved farther away from anyone and everything. Sure I can see it now - but then...then I thought I was handling it all so well. Discouraged but not depressed. I don't get depressed. I kept telling myself that. Dr. appointments, letters to the lawyer, letters to worker's comp, letters to the school district, Dr. appointments - test after test. Then back to my isolation. It was self-imposed. It was my survival mode. When I most needed others, when so many people were reaching out to help me I stood there in a river of love, parched.
     Even now I don't know how it all fell apart. It did - this is depression. The system was spinning me like a rag doll in a washing machine. How did I get there? As my life was unravelling I sat with my knees pulled to my chest. I prayed, I talked to Mommie. I wrote. Thinking I was doing the right things. I was doing nothing. The more I jumped, the more hoops the system placed in front of me.
     So 2008-2009 school year pretty much came and went without me. Every day I sank deeper. Every day I moved farther within myself. I fortified my walls. It wasn't long before I dreaded leaving the house. Actually, it was more than dread. I was afraid. I was afraid to leave the house. I was afraid to leave my room. Afraid to leave my bed. I was afraid when the phone rang. I was afraid when the mail came.
     As the 2009-2010 school year started, I don't know if I started with it. I don't think I did. I did go back to work until the week before thanksgiving. One morning I noticed an itch/pain over my left shoulder blade. I thought it was a bug bite. The pain intensified. It was horrendous. Liz looked at it. She applied some antibiotic ointment and a band aid. By Sunday the pain was intense. I could not move my left arm. My left shoulder, side, chest, stomach were covered in red coals, streaks - I drove myself to urgent care. Without even entering the examination room the Dr. said I had shingles. He told me to increase my steroids, gave me a prescription, and that was that.
    Of course I called Dr. Solsky. As usual she said she would meet me in her office first thing Monday morning. Increasing steroids is not something I wanted to do. The intensity of pain was amazing. Now not only did I need to block out the nerve and back pain, the ice pick headache pain, the lupus pain, the firbromyalgia pain - now I had this brand new pain.
     I will tell you something about pain. New pain is harder to deal with. In time your mind adjusts to consistent pain. New pain takes you to a different level - It kicks your consistent pain up a notch (not in a good way like "cooking with Emeril") Dr. Solsky sent me right to Cedars for direct admission.
     Dr. McDreamy was the infectious disease specialist. A handsome man who spoke so quietly. In taking my history I told him I had tested positive for TB but the clinic said it was a false positive due to steroids. I never thought about it. After that positive test I had chest x-rays to pass a TB test.
     Well apparently this was not good. I spent a few days getting IV anti-biotics and percocet.
     More time away from work. More guilt, more shame, more weakness - more I sought the safety of my bed in my room, in my house.
     Can you see how it just snow balled? I look at it now and it appears so clear. What should I have done differently? Why didn't I do something to stop it? What was the straw that broke my back? I was strong. I knew I was. Temporary set backs - put on my big girl boots, lace them up tight and start walking.
     Honestly, it was too late. Having lost the love of my life - my family - I was lost. As much as I wanted to make everything right I could not. As much as I need to say I am sorry the words just ring hollow. I did not want any of this too happen. No I did not choose for this to happen. I am not a victim. Life just spun out of control. Maybe I wasn't standing in that river. Perhaps I was in a boat, taking on water way faster than I could bail it out. The only place I felt safe was in that house, in that room, in that bed - I could not stop the thoughts of guilt, shame, loss - I could do nothing.I should have - I wish I would have - When you are there, well when you are there you are just there.
     In February Liz took me to the emergency room. I was sick. Suffering from so many ailments, racked with pain, consumed with guilt - every inch of my body hurt. Dr. Solsky could not be reached. After several hours they released me with the diagnosis of the flu. 10 minutes away from the hospital Dr. Solsky called me. "Go back to Cedars I will meet you there." Liz, ever patient and poor Em, so understanding - back to Cedars we went.
     Dr. Solsky was not too happy. She had turned off her phone for the weekend in attempt to get some time off. When she arrived I almost screamed her name. I was so relieved to see her. For 20 years Dr. Solsky had been my Dr. We did not always agree. I was not always a willing patient. You don't know someone for 20 years without some type of bond. In my eyes she was like Dr. St.Mary - consistent, honest, and always there when you needed them.
     Two days prior I had a series of MRI's of the brain. Suffering from debilitating headaches we began a search for their cause. The MRI revealed vasculitis of the brain. I don't know what that is. I spent 22 days in the hospital.  My brain is well documented in the annals of Cedars Sinai. I saw endocrinologist, Dr. McDreamy came back on board, a sleuth of the best neurologist in the world, several GP specialist - King of Neurology said I had some cyst or something on my pituitary gland. Snip snap he could remove it. 30 minutes in and out. Do it. Do something. Someone do something.
     I thought the beginning of the end - the worst of the worst had already happened...wrong again Lisa. Don't believe things can't get worse, they can. Listen to your own voice - even the scared child holding her knees to her chest voice - listen to that. Dance with who brought you and never doubt the power of prayer, love, friendship and hope!