Word Search

     I like word searches. The answers are there. The words may be upside down, diagonal, backwards - but they are there. When you start a word search puzzle you know you can complete it. Letter by letter, line by line  - if you stick with it you will find all the answers.
     Would be nice if life were that easy. Sometimes I think it is. Sometimes I think if I just go letter by letter, line by line - I will find the answers.
     Yesterday, as I was brushing my teeth, I was searching for words. Trying to think of a metaphor that accurately conveys the process I am now going through. The onion metaphor, you have to peel the layers even though you know you are going to cry - didn't work for me. At least not right now. Then I thought of the whole being naked thing.
     With the exception of taking a shower I am not a be naked kind of gal. Right now, sharing this experience - I feel completely naked. It is uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable! Reckon exposure of the soul, admitting imperfection, seeking forgiveness, speaking my truth - all of this leaves me exposed. It is uncomfortable, though I am not afraid.
     Then I thought of when you eat something that upsets your stomach. As your doubled over clutching your belly you debate making yourself throw up. Sometimes it is best just to get the "bad" out of your system. Sometimes you have to vomit to feel better. Not a pretty image, a truth none the less.
     As I was showering the game Sorry came to mind. I am playing a game of Sorry. I am winning. Every number I roll moves my little green thimble unto someone else. Repeatedly I have to say; "Sorry." I don't know if it makes any sense I just can't say "Sorry" anymore - not right now. There are too many people I need to say it to. Too many regrets. Making amends it part of the process. To me, the best way I can show my regret is my getting better. The best way I can thank everyone, (how could you all stand me?) is to get better.
     This is my focus. Living strong despite my mistakes. Living strong despite my failures. Where I am right now - I feel the best way I can begin is by stopping. No one ever asked me to place the world on my shoulders - for some reason I did. The weight of my own life crushed me and I still had the arrogance to think I could help others. (How could you stand me?)
     Every day as I write, I become exhausted. When I am finished writing I have to lie (people lie, objects lay that is the rule) down. Purging, exposed, naked - looking at the movie - How could you stand by me?
     The power of love, faith, hope - it sustained me. Each of you, in your own way, kept me alive. My gratitude is deep. And the best way I can think of to show that gratitude is by getting better.
     Today I am better than I was yesterday. Tomorrow I will be better than I am today. By doing this, getting better - finding Lisa again - It is the best way I can say thank you and the best way I can say I am sorry.
     Two weeks ago I thought I had arrived. Today I know I am just leaving. Moving out of the paralyzing depression and abuse of prescription pain meds. I need to feel the physical pain. Introduce my mind and body to one another. Reintegrate my whole self, scars, flaws, foibles, quirks, failures, and triumphs.
     I am sorry, humbled, filled with gratitude - I am getting better inch by inch, moment by moment. I think this is how I can best show my sorrow and my thanks. I may be wrong - I know if I look letter by letter, line by line, the answers are here.