Great news this morning - my application for an apartment at Indian Trails has been approved. 113 Gentle Breeze Drive shall be my address. I am happy about this news - Eileen has been so patient and gracious letting Zuko and I stay here for so long. We love being here with the yard, wildlife, walking the golf course - However, to continue my journey forward living on my own is an important step. Besides, Indian Trails, as the crow flies, is a stone's throw away from here. I know we will be here a lot, especially in the summer.
I have not lived alone in over 10 years. It will be an adjustment. There is some apprehension. There is some excitement. Starting over at 50 - Who would of thunk it?
With everything that transpired over the past 4 years, remarkably the Lupus has been held in check. That run has ended. It is now filling my body. This sucks! Each time a flare up occurs is like the first time. Between flares I forget how awful this feels. This is the "It hurts to blink" flare. My eyelashes touching my eyelids hurts. My skin is on fire. Muscles are weak and burning. I sometimes think my hair and fingernails hurt.
This is when I need to lay low. Allow myself a bit more rest. I am sticking to the new pain management regiment. It is a bit more challenging with this flare up - I can do it.
Last night, as I could feel SLE creeping in, I needed some relief. I reached for the medicine box, I saw Percocet and Nucynta - I took two Tylenol. Admittedly, it is more challenging. Lupus flares are painful, exhausting, frustrating, and frightening. In the back of my mind I wonder if this will be the one that does not go away. Is this flare going to result in organ damage, or worse? I have been down this road many times. Yet each time is unique.
It is alright. Only need to adjust a few things and I will get through this one as I have gotten through so many times. It does suck. I am not taking any prednisone. How that will effect everything we will see. It feels good, knowing I am in control of managing pain in a responsible manner. I know I won't make excuses to justify over medicating myself.
There are moments when I feel excited just because I am feeling. There are moments when I am terrified just because I am feeling. Up and down, up and down, like the painted ponies on life's merry-go-round. It is better this way. Walking, heating pad, patches, people, writing, candles, hot showers, keeping busy - some of the tools I use to cope. These are good tools. I pray a lot. God and I converse a lot!
It is OK if I rest more. If I stay in bed or sleep more it is not because I am over medicating. I don't want to walk that road again. Oh, goodness ice pick cometh. Can't talk to y'all anymore. Going to close my eyes a bit -
It really feels good to feel again; even if pain is what I am feeling. It is at least true, honest - I know I have a long way to go...one step at a time. One step at a time.
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