I vote no to ICP! It is frustrating, annoying, mind bending, and an impediment to daily life activities. Given its invisibility it is felt yet not seen. If I were afflicted with a "mainstream" disease, perhaps it would be easier for others to understand. Anyone with SLE, RA, Fibromyalgia, impinged nerves, compressed discs, they understand.
I was up at 7:30. Now, three hours later, the swollen, stiff, aching, burning, pins and needles, are front and center. Weakness in my hands make it difficult to open a morning Mountain Dew. Weakness in my legs make it difficult to descend the stairs. Resting comfortably is out of the question. On the left side it hurts. On the right side it hurts. On my stomach it hurts. On my back it hurts. Toss and turn, shift and move, stand and stretch - as of yet I feel a blanket of hot coals covering my body. I feel pressure in my joints. I feel, yes I feel.
To look at me you would say; "Lisa, you look marvelous!" That is good. I wish there were a machine, like the x-ray used at airport security checkpoints, I wish I could stand in this machine and every point on my body that hurt would light up red. Visual proof to validate how much everything hurts.
I am not seeking sympathy. I wish I could show you. I wish it would go away - it is really annoying. I am going to work on another pine cone wreath today. (available to you for the great price of $40.00 plus S&H) I am going to the bank today. I am going to the post office today. These are small errands. They loom large.
I am not complaining. Despite ICP I am better today than I was yesterday, or last week, or last month. My bodies' betrayal frustrates me. Some days I have to accept what is. This is why I am on disability. This is why I require medicine. This is why I get frustrated. Still, I feel fortunate. I am not alone. I am loved. Many other folks are much worse off than me. I am blessed.
Yes, there are moments when I whisper to God. Seeking answers, solutions, my purpose, his plan - we all do. At some point I reckon each of us looks to our higher power in search of meaning. We want reasons for the bad things. Why do children get sick? Why do people kill one another? Why do the good die young? Why am I here?
In time, I believe, some of these answers will come to us. If we sit still, listen with our inner ear - God whispers back. What we seek may not be what we find. What is that saying? "Be patient with me, God isn't finished." When there is no answer it does not mean there is no reason. Still, certain tragedies belie(is that a word?) reason.
It might be easier if we had a life map. I think though, it is up to us to create our life map then turn it in at the end. If we land on "Go directly to jail" it only means we need to evaluate our course. A left or right turn might be in order. It is empowering though, isn't it? The gift of free choice - we decide what direction we travel.
So even on a day like today, even on the darkest of days...within us remains the strength to take the next step - if not today, tomorrow is alright. As long as we continue working on ourselves. If we keep plugging away - seeking our best self, wanting to leave things better than we found them, paying it forward, and yes, sometimes forgiving ourselves failures.
Today it is not weakness or laziness which keeps me under the radar. It is not taking so much pain medicine I am in a stupor. Today is what it is - ICP chiming in, 9 on the scale.
Now, I will run my errands. Rest a bit. Hopefully work on a new pine cone wreath. If I do it all, great! If I do none of it - No, that is not an option. One step at a time. This is OK.
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