Finding a Middle Ground...

     So Monday Eileen took me to Burlington to see the rheumotologist. My BP was 166/90. Was a time when my BP was so low, nurses took it 2 or 3 times because they thought the cuff was broken. My pain level was 10. Pain elevates your BP.
     I understand I was over medicating. I know why I was over medicating. I accept complete responsibility for the devastating impact this had on people I love.
     Now, it is about tapering pain meds. OK, I am doing that. It is hard. It is difficult because I am in pain, and I know taking 1 pill - not 5 or 6 - will give me some relief. I also know taking 1 pill is not what I can do. I have been taking 1 pill every other day. Nucynta at night, or Percocet during the day. I am proud to say I have kept to that except on Sunday. Sure, I sit here arguing with myself.
     "I am in pain. You can't see it, you don't know how awful it is. You can't understand how exhausting it is. Taking 1 Nucynta will give me relief. What is the harm in that? It is responsible pain management."
     Then I remember how much pain I caused people I love as they watched me slide down a slippery slope. So instead of reaching for a pill I take Zuko for a walk. (he had a bad seizure this morning, not himself yet.) I take a hot shower. I watch television. I write. I put on the scent warmer. I stretch. I use liboderm patches. Turn on the heating pad - I do not reach over and take a pill.
     It is difficult. It is much harder than quitting alcohol. There are so many layers of pain. Some is emotional (I am going tomorrow for my first mental health appt.) The rest of it is a manifestation of the multiple maladies plaguing my body. My right leg, hips, back, neck - hurt every waking moment. Fibromyalgia points are tender to the touch of a blanket. Joints in my hands, feet, knees, ankles, are inflamed and ache. My muscles feel sore, tender, bruised. Using all my mental capacity, forming alternatives means of coping; I do the best I can. Sometimes the fear and panic take over. You know how some nights you lie in bed and your mind just won't shut off? Over and over the thoughts keep turning; then you start to think way bigger than you should? Keep it simple, stay in the moment, breathe...should be easy, it is not.
     I figure there has to be a middle ground. I am seeking a pain management specialist. Hopefully I can see one in the next week or so. I could give the pain meds to Eileen. Then they would not be right here. I don't do this because I have to control my use of them. I made this mess now I have to fix it.
     The past four years I have lived in a fog of depression and grief. To place myself back into a place of peace, I have to do the work. This means those pills have to be right there and I have to say no to them. I do hope to find an alternative treatment. My reality is that I am permanently and totally disabled. I cannot work, but I can live. I am not who I once was, I can learn to be who this phase of life means me to be. I can be happy, fulfilled, satisfied - there is always hope.
     So if today I lay low, rest a lot, stay in bed, watch TV, write, walk Zuko, (though the wind and cold are freaking him out today.)this is because I need to. It is not because I have taken narcotics. It is just what I need to do. Today to cope with life I need to lay low. I am not running, hiding, escaping - just managing this new me as best I can. That is OK, it is alright - I am on the right path. I will continue to move forward.