WHY?

     This is the $64,000 question - WHY? Why did this fell me? Why did I slip away? Am I so shallow? Was my identity tied only to being a teacher? Why couldn't I get up? Why did I let everything snowball? That was the metaphor( that is correct isn't it?) I was thinking of - A single snowflake became an avalanche. Why?
     Often I have said;
     "Teaching is not what I do, it is who I am."
     Is this why? My entire identity wrapped up in a blanket - Teacher? I love teaching. I am proud to tell people I was a Special Education Teacher. I didn't become a teacher because I could not do anything else.
     Teaching was a privilege which I took very seriously. If you love what you do you never have to work a day in your life - Teaching was work. Every year more challenging than the last. Today's students enter school less equipped. Their well of need is deep. Knowing I might have a positive impact on a child's life, that was humbling.
     Why? Not born with a silver spoon, I overcame. Every mountain I climbed led me to a beautiful vista. Each time life knocked me down I got back up. Why? Why is the glass which I must expel from my body. Why didn't I know our insides are made of glass?
     For every burden there were 10 blessings. For every moment of solitude there were 10 people holding me. For every challenge there were 10 opportunities. Why indeed? Why did September 17, 2008 at 8:03 am, why was this the beginning of my end?
     Time is often measured by moments. The moment you fall in love, the moment you see the truth, the moment you found peace, the moment your life was destroyed. Lynn's song - Measure life by love; That yardstick, my yardstick of love, it is 100,000,000 feet long.
     Funny creatures we are indeed. Moving through life in fits and starts ( that is an odd expression, or maybe I am not saying it correctly) Whatever one accomplishes, is never accomplished alone. There is not a moment of my life when I was alone. Not a single moment. It was love that saved me again and again and again. God placed people in my life when he knew I would need them. I get all of that - I just don't understand WHY?
     It is not "Why Me?" It is not self pity. I do not feel sorry for myself. It is just "WHY?" What the head says, and the heart feels - these are not necessarily in sync. Intellectually I understand some of it - emotionally, I can't connect the dots. My rear-view vision is not 20/20.
     I realize nothing can be gained by running these thoughts around my brain. No good can come of my continual mastication of circumstance. Interesting, we are an odd bunch of interesting individuals. Knowing what to do and being able to do what you need to do (say that five times fast) are all to often exclusive of one another. WHY? Shaking my head back and forth, repeatedly asking WHY? Who is the person I now am? How did I become this person? Will I ever be able to look myself in the eye?
      You cannot run away from it. You cannot hide from yourself. What is that phrase; "No matter where you go there you are." How do I return to who I am? I am a teacher. I take care of other people. I am the rock. Not so much anymore I reckon. Who am I now?
     I am still an intelligent, humorous, compassionate, woman. How could I let these circumstances control me? Seriously, what in the world happened? Goodness I am tired of me. Breathing is exhausting. Talking is exhausting. Leaving the house is exhausting. Thinking is exhausting. Being me is exhausting.
     If I am tired of me, y'all must be worn out. More trouble than I am worth, reckon so. I must reconcile my pre-injury me and my post-injury self. Yup, it is a word search - the answers are within the puzzle you just have to keep looking until you find them. Since I did not know I wasn't successfully coping, will I be able to recognize and process the who I am today. Who I am tomorrow?
     Flea market flip often has a "re-purpose" category. This is what I need for my life. I need a re-purpose identity. Do you think I could buy one on Alameda and Vermont?
    My identity - who am I? That is not the same as your job title. Who we are comes from within. As seed becomes flower we too must blossom. Remember when "inner child" was the prevailing self help notion. "Heal your inner child. In healing your inner child you can re-purpose yourself. 
    Yes, that is what is necessary (bet you can't say that one five times fast) My thoughts move faster than my fingers can type. Sorry for any delays this may cause you. I must "re-purpose" myself. Any suggestion on how to go about finding a new identity? OK, I have to do the work, I know that. I am anxious to do that. Maybe then I could watch television once and a while.
     WHY? If I only knew!