Sifting Through The Ashes

     Today is a very hard day. It is cold outside. The wind is bitter. It snows, sleets, rains - everything is brown and dark. Can't even take a walk.
     Yesterday I went for my first "therapy" appointment. I don't like talk therapy. I don't like talking about myself and dredging up what is better left buried. No, it isn't better left buried. I know in order to find myself I must sift through the ashes. It is dirty hard work.
     Today I am having a difficult time breathing. Can't find an apartment, can't afford the health insurance, can't find a pain management specialist - treading water - it is exhausting. I so want to prove I am doing better. Today I am not. No, I have not reverted to taking pain meds to numb myself. I do not want to walk that road again. I did laundry, emptied the trash, did the dishes, took Zuko for a ride, bought some KFC for lunch, talked with Wanda. Really I just want to sleep.
     You know that commercial for COPD? The one with a lady lying on a couch and there is an elephant sitting on her chest. That is how I feel. Except my elephant is fear. Fear of everything. It is hard to breathe.
     I don't want to disappoint anyone. I don't want anyone to be mad at me. Today is really hard. I cry, then I laugh at myself, then I cry some more. It is difficult to swallow. I can't breathe. Darn elephant is heavy. This is why I don't do therapy. When you say things out loud they become real. Pretending that my life is not a pile of ashes is easier.
     I know I must sift through these ashes - since the day I was injured; September 17, 2008 the me I was and the life I had slowly burned to the ground. Powerless to stop it, I have to sift through the ashes. I have to examine each moment of each day. I have to understand how it all burned up and why I could not stop it. Just breathe, You don't know how difficult that can be until you can't do it.
     Why our minds don't come with an off switch, I don't know. I need an off switch today. More glass, more glass, tiny sharp shards cutting through my organs, my skin, gathering in a pile on the floor. I will have to sweep those up. Just breathe.
     Was a time when I had everything - how did it all burn to the ground? Why didn't I stop it? How lost I have been. Just get through this moment, just take this breath.
     Yes, today is a hard day. My body hurts, my mind hurts, my heart aches, my soul cries - I am OK. Please don't worry - I am OK. I am not alone. I didn't sleep well last night. I am over tired and have a stinky migraine. I just have to slow down. It is going to be fine. I am going to be fine. Just a hard day today - I will get through it.