The Scarlett Letter

     I have been away from my desk - Taking a break from "soul-searching." It is an exhausting task!

     Eileen's 50th BBQ was a grand success. Like a true "lady" Eileen took it all in stride. It is not her fault people like her and wanted to celebrate her. She can't help it. She is who she is. Eileen has done so much for me - goodness, I could not begin to count the number of times she has come to my rescue, supported me, listened to me - Oh, we have laughed and cried, laughed again - It was a risky move, the BBQ, just felt important. Celebrating her was important. She should know how other people see her and she should know the positive impact she has on so many lives. Don't worry Eileen, it was the first and last. Despite the wind I say it was a rousing success.

     This flare up is kicking my axx! In spite of feeling so yucky I have kept up a pretty good pace. At least I was keeping up a pretty good pace. Reckon planning for Eileen's party kept me moving. On Saturday I was out of fight. Sunday even worse, today even worse. Fighting creates exhaustion. Sooner or later, I have to stop fighting. It isn't giving in - it is accepting and coping.

     This weekend I lied down more than I have. I rested more than I have. I would lie down then get up. Lie down then get up. I kept getting up because I didn't want to lie down. It is better to participate.

     Then there is the Scarlett Letter - Probably for the rest of my life I will bear that letter. If I lie down more, get quiet, separate myself - will others think I have over medicated? Will others question if I am sick or escaping? Part of me wants to say; "I didn't take anything. I am just sick."

     Another part of me doesn't want to say that - I know the truth, that is what matters. Ah, no - that others know the truth, this is what matters. I am not over medicating. I am not escaping. Will I forever wonder what other's think? Will I forever feel guilty and thus push myself beyond my limits, just to prove I am not over medicating? That would stink!

     I know the truth, that is what matters! Like I said that is not enough. I spent the weekend fighting my body and my mind. When I felt, when I knew, the best thing for me was rest - I got up lest someone think I was stoned. Do you think that will cease?

     Sure hope so! Yes, I made many bad choices. I engaged in bad behavior - I am not a bad person. I can't apologize anymore. If I am to move forward I have to let go of these rocks. Hanging on to them is just weighing me down. Guilt will do that. It will weigh you down, keep you underwater too long.

     I lived, survived - so many folks kept me afloat - the best way I know to say; "Thank You" is to live fully, completely, richly - and happily. Sometimes that means allowing myself the rest I need to keep going. A few days of down time goes a long way.

     Doing this flare without prednisone or Dr. Solsky - I am in uncharted territory. In the past I pushed myself. Just kept on keeping on - until I ended up on the floor of the bathroom unable to get up. Then off to the hospital. Without health insurance, hospital is not an option.

     It is darn frustrating! I wish y'all could just feel this - you cannot see it, if you could it would assuage my guilt. Lying down is not quitting. It is not avoiding or escaping, it is not pain medication sedation. It is coping. I could push myself attempting to prove I am responsible. I could force myself to get up and go just so no one thinks I have slipped back into self destructive behaviors - In proving my innocence I would end up hospitalized. That is fact.

     SLE is an insidious disease. It is ugly and mean and unforgiving. This disease leaves me angry, scared, tired, pain-ridden, guilty, frustrated - still I am grateful I have this day. I am not going to repeat the mistakes I have made. Do you trust me? Yes, I may take a Percocet - Some nights I may take a Nucynta. I am not going to endure a glop of pain just to prove I am not an addict. Can't prove that anyway -

     The other day Eileen said she was proud of me - To hear those words - how many times in the past 2 years she has wanted to choke me? Proud of me - silly I know, those words from Eileen. I will not engage in self destructive behavior - I will not over medicate - I want Eileen to feel proud of me. Here I am a grown woman, seeking approval from others - I was so over that. I screwed up thus the Scarlett Letter.

     I suppose some folks will always look at me and wonder; is she sick? Faking? Stoned? Oh well, I can't change that. I can only control myself and my behavior. I am Fuxxxx sick - it has nothing to do with pain or drugs - it is a lupus flare. It sucks. It angers me. I cry.

     A person can fight so long then they have to rest. Recharge the mind and body. You don't know how I feel. I am not drug seeking. I am not falling into old habits. I am not a bad person. I am not taking too much pain medicine. I am safely and effectively attempting to manage my pain as well as get through this flare.

     This is not a picnic! I can't change the past. I am sorry for causing others pain and worry! The part of me that chose those behaviors has been put to rest. I do have an addictive personality. I also possess inner-strength and a deep resolve. I need others to feel proud of me. I need to feel proud of myself.

     Yes, I reckon, that Scarlett Letter is forever emblazoned on my forehead - it does not define me. It will not control me. I am not the person who fell down and couldn't get up. I'm still standing! (should change that back to my ring tone) I'm still standing looking better than I ever did. Feeling like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid!

     Judge me as you will. I am not a bad person. Accepting and forgiving ourselves - this is a tall order. I have not filled this order, I will! We fought hard so I could receive disability. We wanted me to have the chance to rest. Not have to fight every day just to get through! Do I still need to prove myself? Will I always have to prove myself?

     Feel what I feel - I am not over medicating, I am not avoiding or escaping - I am sick - Darn that Scarlett Letter...maybe I will make it a tattoo!