As Usual - My Timing Stinks

     I have made good, positive progress. There are many things left to do - yet I was beginning to think a cloud was lifting. Then the IRS stepped in - why don't they pick on someone their own size? I will deal with that.
     It is the "funny thing" about having a chronic illness; Waiting for that "other shoe" to drop. It is frightening and that scares me. Five steps forward, four steps back. I am determined! That helps. I have so much love and support! That helps. Timing does stink, getting life together again. Taking back control - you don't get to control this - No Mam'- this takes on a life all its own.
     Pain, multiply it by 10. Anxiety, multiply it by 15. Fear, multiply it by 20! Since being diagnosed a million moons ago this is the first time I battle this stinking disease without Dr.Solsky. I don't know what to do. Battle this hideous illness without medication? I don't know about that - I am scared. What do I do? I don't know what to do.
     My timing just stinks. Falling to a flare up - Now? Are you kidding me? We have all worked so hard, given so much, sacrificed, cried, loved, fought and made up - loved - what if I can't beat this bloody disease back? Without access to tools I would normally use, what should I do? Shoot, I am scared.
     Just breathe...wipe your tears - be strong! Push yourself! Get up! Keep going! This isn't mental. It isn't controllable, why is my body betraying me now? Gosh darn it! How far we have come, how much we have sacrificed, how much we have given - it can't be for not. I refuse that!
     You forget...that really rots! You forget...how much it hurts! You forget...how hard you need to work!You forget,,,feeling fear! You forget...the creeping doubt! Then BAM! YOU REMEMBER! Better if you forget.
     Never let them see you sweat. Words to live by. Suck it up. Get over it. If you don't mind it doesn't matter. Part of me is saying;
     "Just like you Lisa, do all the work then forget to turn it in."
     It is in your body, your fingers and toes - your hands and feet - your knees and shoulders - there there little girl hope it doesn't get your kidneys. Hope it doesn't get your lungs. Wormed its way into your brain - this freakin' disease, it sucks!
     Without what I know to beat back this enemy. Running naked into a fire - erase that image. Move on, step up, get over it! What if you can't? What if it doesn't? What then? NO! Don't even go there. You do though, you do. Yes, it makes you cry. Put all the pieces where they belong, didn't glue them down - the wind blows your work away. BAM! That is that.
     It is the line Annie Lennox sings so beautifully;
     "You don't know how I feel."
     You know how I feel? Do you know what I mean? Can I get an "amen" from the sisters in the back?
     Don't know what we do now...just breathe.