NORMAL?

     Normal - what is normal? If one person's trash can be another's treasure, then one person's normal might be another person's crazy. We throw around the word crazy - like we throw around the word love.

     "What a crazy day?"

     "That is just crazy!"

     Is crazy the nemesis of normal? I don't believe we can define normal. Is it normal to be crazy? Or is being normal being sane?

     Let's face it - we all have a little bit of crazy in us. That is not the same as saying;

     "I have a mental illness."

     Not likely to announce that at happy hour on Friday. Often I said I could teach children with special needs because I was a little bit crazier than they were. Crazy in a good way! It does help, making it through a day - being able to find "fun" with what you do because you can see there is no harm in being different.

     Is "crazy" different. Is normal normal? Which one should we strive to be? What is acceptable? Maybe we should stick with - "What is more fun?"

     Having a mental illness - we don't announce that - not often. I don't know if depression fits into mental illness. It can be episodic not chronic, does that exclude it from mental illness? Having flashbacks, PTSD - that is a mental illness. Is grief a mental illness? Have you felt grief so deep it knocked you on your ass?Then every time you attempted to get up it kicked you in the teeth. Grief so sharp when it cut you, you did not bleed? Seriously, grief is an elephant sitting on your chest - you can't breathe.

     Who defines normal? Is it defined in the DSM? I don't think I want to be normal? I don't think I can be normal. I am not crazy. I am dealing with my mental illness - See I said it and the couch did not catch on fire! Have you stopped reading? Am I now a failure? Will you speak to me again? A lot of stigma remains for people who are mentally ill.

      Double whammy on me...I cannot be normal, I am mentally ill. I am not crazy. OK, maybe just a little bit - crazy fun!

     Will I forever be mentally ill? No, don't reckon so. Will I do the work which will bring me back to mental health - of course? How did I get here? I don't know!

     How did I get here? That my friends is a great question. If I saw the signs in someone else, I could diagnose them. True 'dat! How we can't see in ourselves that which we see in others, that which scares us.

     I don't express anger. I don't release anger. I don't allow anger. I fear anger. I fear if I open the cage - the anger will escape...it will consume me. Sadness, grief, fear, anxiety - weak, weak, weak! I would rather be anything...but not weak.

     Pride comes before the fall. It is a long way down. Then you hit bottom and get up. If only it were that easy. I hit bottom and hit bottom and hit bottom. Had no idea I was on the bottom. Really, I seriously thought I was handling it all so well. Fool!

     OK, here I am - will you still talk to me? Are you still my friend? Will this be what defines my legacy? Does it make everything else mute? Am I invisible? Will you look me in the eye, or dart your eyes away? Am I damaged?

     When I "came out" as it were - (don't like that phrase so much, I wasn't in - I was me. My friends didn't "come out" as heterosexuals. They just lived their lives.) Anyway, some folks never spoke to me again. Some folks thought I should get "help." Some folks laughed, they already knew.

     Now I am a lesbian who is mentally ill - dang, will I be all alone? Ya' know, I am also a friend, sister, daughter, teacher, writer, athlete - I am many things - How you choose to see me; Not mine to control. I am me...same me I was before September 17, 2008.

     Writing - this writing...I am disrobing for anyone who cares to read. Stripped down to my skin - who can stand that kind of real? It is freakin' cold! I am freakin' out! This is when I have to fight the fear, fight the pills, fight the tears - I am not brave - Even here, naked, cold, raw...at the bottom of life's well - even here I truly want to leave my corner (a well is square not round) of the world better than when I arrived. So, maybe a young girl or boy - who lost their mother at birth - who lived a life completely opposite of normal, some gay/lesbian teenager who becomes mentally ill...perhaps one person who reads these words needs to know it is OK. No matter how far you feel you have fallen - No matter how low you believe you are...No matter how raw, scarred, weak - you feel - it does not define you. Get up! You can, I can! Move forward! You can, I can! The sun can shine, the sun will shine! Seriously, tomorrow is an opportunity not a noose!

     What inscription should adorn my headstone? Not time yet - I have work to do before I sleep. Work to do before I sleep.